“Footsie” — an audio short story

Hello all!

Since I’ve been writing more lately, thought I’d let you hear one of my short stories that is actually an audio recording. It’s called “Footsie”, and without giving too much away it’s about a marriage ending.

footsie

Photo by Kevin Ratford

Click on the link BELOW to listen to the story  — ENJOY!

Footsie – by Petula Caesar

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To reconcile or not to reconcile…that is the question.

I heard from my ex about two and a half weeks ago.

What began as a discussion about how long his belongings would be in my basement turned into “I miss you…I made a mistake…It was all my fault…I miss you so much…I want you back.” Now as much as my ego enjoyed hearing this, I have a lot of concerns about really trying to make this work.

dont talk to me

When considering a reconciliation, you have to think about why you broke up in the first place. Was the reason for the breakup a dealbreaker? In the case of my ex, the answer to that is no. He was never abusive. He was not unfaithful. He was honest, caring, loving and affectionate. He treated me wonderfully, and set the bar quite high for any who would come after him. Even when displaying his worst qualities that I hated the most, I never hated him as a person. I felt safe and protected and able to be myself with him. He really opened himself to me when we were together. And even when we broke up, though he was upset for a time, he still managed not to let his ego and his hurt keep him from telling me he wanted us to work things out. He was not going to let me go again he said, and that was brave of him. It was more than I could manage to do once I got angry. He took a risk, a real risk, and I have tremendous respect for risk takers. I reward risk taking — that’s my nature. Though he had good intentions when he left to take the job so far away, he said he didn’t really consider how that would impact us, how we would function as a couple while we were apart. He freely admits it was a very poor decision on his part. He has apologized.

But still I am hesitant.

lets get it right

He and I have resumed communication. We don’t talk every day, but at least a couple of times a week we spend 3-4 hours on the phone. While neither of us has really discussed the details of how we would go about reconciling, we have talked about the fact that he definitely wants to, and I am becoming more open to it. We spend a lot of time reminiscing, talking about how we met, our first conversations and dates, places we’ve gone, things we’ve done. Its been good reconnecting with him, and I am happy to remember why I ever became involved with him in the first place. But I still have a lot of hesitation.

I’m not really afraid of reconciling. I am glad to say that I’m not afraid. I am proud that fear does not rule my life. I’m not really afraid of being hurt, of being rejected, or any of those things. Fear has taken too much from me, and I cannot allow it to take one more thing, especially not one more relationship with someone who was important to me. Fear has deprived me of too many friends, too many lovers, and too many others that I was too afraid of interacting with for various silly reasons.

Love Found Its Way Back – Petula Caesar

What I am concerned about is how realistic our chances for success are. I think back to those first few awful weeks after he left, us on the phone night after night, me crying into the phone, yelling at him, asking how could he have just left me, and left us. I wonder if he’s just feeling sentimental now because of the distance between us, and once he got back here it would be different. But he insists that’s not the case. I wonder if I’m ready for a long-term relationship, FOR REAL this time. He’s been very clear that once we decide to move forward on putting our relationship back togehter, there will be no turning back. NONE! That means if this works between us, he is fully expecting the most permanent committment I can offer. I do think about what that could mean long term.

yes no maybe

I also think about the positives as well — how it would be nice for us to successfully find our way back to each other. We were very good together in many respects, and while things were not perfect between us, there was definitely more good than bad. During these recent conversations we’ve talked about those bad things, about the things about him that bothered me. We talked about his quick temper, his sharp tongue, his harsh demeanor in dealing with people at times when it wasn’t necessary. I am bringing every bit of my sharp Virgo analysis and tendency towards practicality to bear as we talk, trying to see this thing from every possible angle…good and bad. I’m trying not to rush into things. I’m trying to be clear on this reconciliation thing. I listen to all the things people say about going back to an ex…

ex 3 ex 2 ex 1

But my heart…my poor poor heart…my heart just wants to know if we can get back together.

To be continued…