Find Your Sexy – Live Your Sexy – Love Your Sexy…PART TWO

As promised, today I am finishing up the blog entry I started Thursday. This is PART TWO of “Find Your Sexy, Live Your Sexy, Love Your Sexy!” If you didn’t read PART ONE of this blog, you probably should check it out first by going to

If you try any of these things, please comment and let me know how they worked for you!



Keeping your body well groomed is as important to your sexy as a strapless bra. Now what that means is up to you. It could mean shaving. It could mean waxing. It could mean threading eyebrows, dying hair, getting hands and feet done. It could mean exercising. But whatever it is, keep it up, no matter how you feel, what kind of demands are on your time, or anything. If you’re on a budget, there are usually DIY versions of pretty much everything a woman wants to do to maintain her sexy, and if you need to become proficient at these things to save money, do it. The point is that you should never say that its not important to do your maintenance.

Your maintenance should always include moisturizing your skin. Smooth soft skin is extremely sexy. If you do nothing else, get hold of some Shea tree butter or aloe or whatever you choose and rub it on your skin, especially your knees, arms, elbows and lips. Soft lips are very sexy. And don’t skip your breasts and ass, because they should be soft too.  Even toned skin is also important, so take the time to use cocoa butter to make your skin look its best. 2% milk and honey in a hot bath are great too. Moisturizing should also include your face. Keep the skin on it looking as good as you possibly can too. Touching any part of you should be a soft, silky experience.

Now before you tell me that you already have a man so you don’t need to do all this, my question to you is this…why wouldn’t you want to? If he is so wonderful, doesn’t he deserve you at your soft and supple best? Too busy you say? Think about all the things you want your man to do and how angry you get when he tells you he’s “too busy” to take care of them. Do you want to make him feel the same way? Trust me, its not worth it. And most importantly, you’re not doing this for him actually. You’re doing it for YOU!


Another personal suggestion of mine is to occasionally forego pantyhose in favor of stockings or thigh highs. I would tend to recommend stockings, because I have never seen a pair of thigh highs actually stay in place worth a damn. I would tend to recommend this more for a date situation than just general going out, but that’s your call. But the flash of a stocking top with the garter fastened to it is a mysterious, unexpected kind of sexy. Its something most women don’t do anymore. It suggests a hint of exoticness, and you only need to flash it a little bit to drive most men insane, especially if you have nice legs. So, just for fun, get a pair of stockings and a garter belt, and wear it under your dress on a date. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.  And a small addition to this…


Pretty much any woman, in any size of body or budget can find a flattering dress. Whether you do short, long, loose and flowing, tight and fitted, or whatever, to me a dress says sexy., and it is easier to find a good looking dress than good looking pants. Plus, a dress always suggests to a man that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’ll get a little freaky in the parking garage on the way to the car, or in the car on the way home or in the hallway of the apartment building, or all three! Not saying you have to do any of this, but the possibility of it is something else that is sexy


It takes a certain level of confidence for most women to go out alone. Women often have (legitimate) concerns for their safety. Sometimes it makes them feel lonely, uncomfortable, or that they are these pathetic creatures that no one likes enough to spend time with. But going out alone is sexy for this very reason. Because it isn’t something you see women doing often. It is unexpected. It shows a sense of security within oneself; it shows a willingness to expose yourself to the public because you don’t have your friends or a companion as a buffer. And most men are extremely reluctant to approach women if they are part of a group. So if you’re looking to actually find decent conversation with men, I recommend putting on a little of your sexy and heading out to the bar of your city’s most popular high end steak and seafood restaurant. Make sure you find the places known for great steaks, because where there are great steaks, there are men!


This is for the more modest girl who doesn’t want to display her sexy by displaying her body. To these women – I know a lot of times you feel outmanned and outgunned when you go out because everywhere you go you see skin and you don’t feel you can compete and still be true to yourself. But if you are going to take a more suggestive, less obvious approach with your sexy, you need to first firmly get the idea in your head that your sexy is personal, it is an expression of who you are, it exists for your pleasure first and foremost, and for the pleasure of your partner secondarily. It is not just about a competition with the next chick to see who can be more naked. You should not feel uncomfortable when you’re around a bunch of scantily clad women, and you should not feel pressured to be scantily clad if its not your thing. Because again, sexy ultimately is about confidence. With confidence, your head held high and a smile in place, you can rock a flowered housedress (like grandma used to wear back in the day?) with style and attitude, and you will not go unnoticed. The fact that you aren’t scantily clad is intriguing for many different types of men, and even with more modest dress you can still be sexy.

The key is the silhouette. The silhouette means wearing clothing that softly outlines you without defining you a lot. This is one of the best things about sundresses and other similarly shaped dresses  they are often billowy and gauzy and their flowing quality can skim the body, gently nestle against it without making you feel like you’re trapped inside a sausage casing. I know for myself I love the way sundresses make me feel when the fabric moves around me, the way the hem skims my knees or toes (depending on the length). And if you have a good relationship with what you are wearing and it makes you feel good, it will automatically be sexy. There are others ways to do the silhouette; You can also do a straight dress, like a sweater dress, a kimono or a slim pencil skirt; these things just skim over your body and over your curves gently without revealing much skin. The outline of you is present, but the details within the outline aren’t provided. This can be very sexy if done right, so try it!


Ultimately, sexy is a balancing act. And if you are out and about with your sexy with the intention of attracting men and perhaps engaging them in conversation, you have to learn to find the place between your presentation and a man’s imagination, and exist in that place.

This is why I recommend the “show a little, withhold a little” style of dress. The idea is that you want a man to use his brain to admire what he sees, and to plug his imagination into the equation and think about what he doesn’t see. If your intention is to get a man interested in you, you have to plug into him on both levels. If you have most of your body exposed, he doesn’t have much to imagine in relation to that, and now he has less to do. And you always want to give a man’s imagination something to do where you are concerned.

The minute a man thinks there is nothing more to you…nothing more to see, or say, or find out, or chase, or enjoy, their interest in you wanes. Men can go a long time on the possibility of things when it comes to a woman, and it is important that the possibility of something else, something more, something he hasn’t seen, exist. Now this doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be a small thing. But the possibility of discovery is sexy, and sexy is…well, sexy!

While I’m sure there is lots more I could say, I am going to stop here. I am sure with the information I have provided for you, you are well on your way to being a sexy beast in the best sense of the phrase!

Got things you want to add or say about your sexy, or sexy in general? Looking forward to your comments!


PS: And I did not forget ladies…HOW TO MEASURE FOR A PROPER FITTING BRA!


Find your sexy, live your sexy, love your sexy!

**AUTHOR’S NOTE: This blog got unexpectedly long once I got going on it, so it’s going to be presented in two parts. Anything I don’t cover today is probably covered in the second part, which I will post Saturday…ENJOY!**

These are my thoughts on dressing sexy. Before I get into this blog, a few disclaimers…

I understand completely that there are some people who, for personal, moral, religious, or other reasons, feel that a woman should be dressed in a manner that covers her fully at all times, and in a manner that is devoid of what most people would consider sexual. I have complete and total respect for those opinions, even if I disagree to some extent. Notice I said “to some extent”, because I don’t disagree entirely. I certainly understand the concept of modesty. I even get that modesty can lead to a certain heightened sensual awareness because things are covered and you can’t see them or get any real sense of what they look like. I definitely don’t think a woman should go around with every inch of flesh exposed all the time, and I am a firm believer in appropriateness. I also know that there are all different kinds of sexy just like there are all different kinds of women, and for some women, their sexy is going to reflect their modesty. That’s cool. My real goal in all this is that every woman identify and enjoy her sexy, for her own positive self image as well as for her man. So if any of my advice or suggestions make you uncomfortable or if you see something here that you conclude just isn’t for you, feel free to ignore that part. But please keep reading because I do touch on every kind of sexy in here so I am confident that you’ll find some things you can use. (Well, please do read the part about being properly fitted for bras. That’s so important.)

BUT…I am going to draw the line at the idea that women shouldn’t go around displaying their “goodies” primarily so that they won’t get extreme negative attention from men. I’ve even heard it suggested that if a woman is raped or violated while dressed this way, she deserved it — she asked for it. Absolute bulls**t. Women should never feel compelled to somehow take personal responsibility for any grown ass man’s behavior. It is every person’s individual responsibility to conduct themselves appropriately in any given situation, no matter what happens, what is said, what is done, or what someone has on. And…imagine this…that includes men. It is not my responsibility, or any other woman’s for that matter, to determine exactly what part of the anatomy might drive some man crazy if he sees it, and to conceal it. Should I be upset if you look at me? No. Admire me? No. Maybe I’ll even allow a bit of staring or a sincere “you look nice tonight” if I am in your vicinity. But ultimately it is still a man’s responsibility to know when to stop. He is still supposed to control himself. I refuse to  make it my job to make men behave. I don’t have that kind of time on my hands. Ultimately, if it is in a man’s character to be a gentleman he will naturally do it regardless. One lesson I am trying to teach my son is that it is his responsibility as a human being, a man, and a gentlemen to accord ALL WOMEN basic courtesy and respect, even if he feels they are behaving in ways that he may not personally approve of, or, in extreme circumstances, in ways that might indicate a lack a respect for herself. This is the standard I hold ALL men to, and if they can’t meet it…well, let’s just say I know how to handle it.  Too many times men don’t take responsibility for their bad behaviors, bad decisions, or inability to act reasonably. I am not going to add to that by taking extra steps in the hope that they’ll behave.

Now…back to the sexy.


Sexy is all about confidence. It is about walking tall and proud, head held high, shoulders back, swagger on full blast, smiling, acknowledging your female magnificence and allowing those who are fortunate enough to be around to bask in a bit of it as well. That is what sexy is. Often times I’ll go out and see very young women who don’t have that yet. They may have cute faces and great figures, but none of the real swagger required to do sexy effectively. How can you tell? They go out scantily dressed in ill-fitting, barely there clothing, then spend the entire night pulling and tugging at necklines that are suddenly too low, trying to adjust skirts that are too short and/or too tight now because they suddenly realize men are looking at them, drooling, lusting, attempting to approach them, and not in ways they want them to (in many cases, the way you carry your sexy will determine how a man approaches you, but that explanation is a bit further down the list).

My point isn’t so much about age as it is about confidence. It is painful to see a woman who isn’t really comfortable with her sexy, or how she is presenting her sexy on a given day. It takes time to find what your sexy is and what your sexy isn’t and to get cool with it. So if you are trying to learn to enjoy and appropriately display your sexy, and you find yourself in an outfit that you spend the whole night feeling naked in because you are not quite comfortable with the spotlight that comes with the sexy, you need to rethink where you are in your relationship with your sexy. Go home, consider what makes you feel good, what makes you comfortable, read some of my tips, and put a different outfit on. And when you do, you have to remember that when you’re out and about in your sexy, you aren’t just going to be looked at by men you want to admire you. You are going to be looked at by toothless bums, men that stink, old men that should know better, and the dude on the corner selling DVDs for $5. You may not want any of these guys, or want them looking at you, but when your sexy is on public display, everyone can see it. Make sure you’re ready for that.


Sexy starts with acceptance of what you’re working with, the stuff you like and the stuff you don’t like That means accommodating all of what you have. Wearing clothing that does not fit runs completely counter to that. It especially means not wearing stuff that is too small. Ever. I know how frustrating it is to see something in the store you LOVE LOVE LOVE and they don’t have your size. I beg of you, don’t get the smaller size. Especially if its something you’re wearing to be sexy.

(QUICK SIDEBAR – Ladies, please go to a decent department store and get your CORRECT bra size. The lingerie departments of stores like JC Penney, Macy’s, etc. have salespeople in them trained to accurately measure you so that you know your correct cup size and your correct measurements in inches. If you don’t want to do that, MEASURE YOURSELF CORRECTLY WITH A TAPE MEASURE AT HOME. It’s estimated that at least 70% of women wear the wrong sized bra — instructions on how to measure yourself to get your correct bra size will be at the end of this blog. Oh – and just so you’ll know, the life span of a bra on average is 3 months. Everything you need to know is here —

You may think that pair of  jeans you intentionally purchase a size too small are going to make your ass look incredibly round and juicy, or that your incorrectly sized bra is pushing your breasts up and giving you great cleavage. Ummmm…no. It’s making you look fat, and I mean that in the most negative, unattractive sense of that word. It is impossible to enjoy your sexy if your clothes don’t fit. You think that a little extra tight, a little extra short is a good thing? It’s not. For those of you old enough to remember the OJ Simpson trial, you might remember Johnnie Cochoran saying about a glove that the prosecution was presenting as evidence against OJ “if it [the glove] don’t fit, you must acquit”. In this department I say to you “if you can’t sit, you must re-fit”.  . (You always test your sexy outfits before you wear them out – sit in them, walk in them, stand in them, dance in them, figure out how you go to the bathroom in them…all that. You need to know what to expect.) Sitting down is one of the things you must do at home to test your sexy outfit. If you find your thighs, back, arms, or belly unattractively spilling out of your ill-fitting garments, or if your waistband, bra straps, or girdle/pantyhose tops are digging into your skin and leaving marks, you need to re-fit. Finding your sexy is all about attractively displaying yourself, and that doesn’t happen with a muffin top. (This is one reason why I almost always wear dresses – I don’t have the muffin top issue.) The point is, your sexy has to fit you in every way, and that starts with getting the correct size. In EVERYTHING (yes shoes too!)


Sexy needs to start from the inside out, and I don’t just mean your personality. I also mean your clothes. Undergarments are just as important (in some cases more important) as what you wear on the outside.

Appropriate undergarments enhance your sexy. You get to display the smooth skin of your bare arms, shoulders and back without distracting bra straps, clasps, and hooks. (Now in some cases, a hint of strap can enhance your sexy, but you need to be very careful with this. The straps need to match your outfit, need to look good and not look at all frayed or worn, and should not draw so much attention to themselves that they draw attention away from the rest of you and your look.)  This means (depending on what your needs are) strapless bras, long line bras, plunge bras, bras with clear straps or stick on bras, racer back bras, halter top bras, 3 way bras, 4 way bras, thongs, panty girdles, all in one girdles, waist cinchers, panty girdle thongs, corsets, and yes, FULL SLIPS AND HALF SLIPS! You’d be amazed at what a big difference a slip can make in your clingy dresses – invest in one! The point is to create as smooth a line as you can, and that also means no panty lines EVER! If you need to “go commando” to achieve that (hope you know what “going commando” means), do it. AND make sure you have some lingerie that is just for his admiring eyes. (That is coming up too.)


Now not every woman’s sexy is about revealing parts of her anatomy. Some women do their sexy more by suggestion than by uncovering themselves. (More on this later.) But if your sexy involves you showing some skin, here is my philosophy — you pick the one part of the body that is going to be displayed for the night, put it out there, make it look as good as you can, and pretty much hide everything else you got. If you’re showing off your legs, shave or wax them (just my personal preference, if you do hairy that’s on you), moisturize them completely from ankle to upper thigh, and then cover up your ass, your breasts, and pretty much everything else. If you’re doing low cut in front, get the well fitted sexy good looking bra and put the “girls” out there (properly moisturized and maybe with a hit of body glitter if you’re feeling special), and cover everything else.. If you’re doing extremely tight (more on the power of the sexy silhouette further down also), don’t do extremely short or extremely low cut at the same time. If you’re doing a low back, keep your front high, and don’t go too short on the leg. Generally speaking if you’re exposing a lot of more than one body part at a time, you tend to start treading into the “trashy” or “trampy” territory. For example ladies, visualize these looks: very short AND very low cut in front, very tight AND very short, very low backed AND very low cut in front. You probably thought you were looking at a hooker. Now if you just like to walk on the wild size you can mix extreme and moderate looks – short and a little low cut, tight and a bit short, etc. But I do recommend staying away from the total hooker look UNLESS you have a male escort with you who is just as comfortable with your sexy as you are. (More on this later as well.)


This should be self explanatory, but just to make sure I didn’t miss is – never travel out and about without ensuring you smell wonderful. Whether its perfumes, body oils, soaps, lotions or whatever, smell good. Even if you’re not one to do scents, make sure you smell fresh and clean if nothing else.


The biggest problem women encounter when they’re out and about with their sexy on display is that they attract a lot of attention from men they aren’t interested in. I am not just talking about men staring, I am talking about men approaching you that you have absolutely no interest in. Men that really should know better than to try you, men that have clearly miscalculated their attractiveness. But if you are arrogant, you can cut down on a lot of that.

When you go out, you have to put out just the right amount of arrogance. You don’t want to come off as totally unapproachable, but you do want the men that do approach you to do so with the proper amount of respect and deference. You want to weed out the losers, those not worthy of conversing with you, etc. Men have a tendency to go after what they think they are capable of getting, what will be easiest for them to get, what they think they have the capacity to get. I call it “low hanging fruit syndrome”. Men pick the fruit from the trees that is easiest to get to, especially when their hungry. You don’t want to be that low hanging fruit.

You want to be the fruit in the middle of the tree – fruit that men have to work a little bit to get to. You want to be the type of woman that a man has to think about before he approaches. And you want men that are of decent quality, and those men pretty much always think about what they’re going to say before they approach women. You don’t want the dude who applies the super-random “hey shawty” to every woman he sees. You want a man with some discernment, some thoughtfulness. And you’re more likely to get that dude if you come off as just a tad bit arrogant.

Now will this get you called the b word by groups of immature, insecure men? Of course. Will the immature, insecure women roll their eyes as you walk by, sucking their teeth and saying under their breath “she think she cute”? Of course. That’s how you know you’re doing it right!

How do you project the right amount of conceit? Your head is held very high. Shoulders back. You look men directly in their eyes, with an unwavering glaze, but not so long that they might think you are interested. You make sure you hold your conversations in low tones – you are never the woman laughing wayyyy too loud or being wayyyy too obnoxious. You smile pleasantly, but not too much. You present yourself as just a bit distant, as if you are there but not there. Only the men who think they can crack that veneer will approach. And you want confident men, you don’t want to be hit on by a bunch of losers all night.

Better to have one quality man talk to you than 40 jerks.

So fall back a bit, and wait for them to come to you.


TOMORROW’S BLOG: I’ll be talking about my misadventures in churches as a single woman, from the insanity of “single women’s ministry” to the “fellowship love” that takes place after services. I’ll also be adding my two cents to the article “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely” by Deborrah Cooper.